Sense & Simplicity

Simplifying Life

2011-11-07T01:32:00.000+05:30

I have started on personal agenda to simplify my online and offline life. To start off:

1. I am going to deactivate the use of many online services one after another.
2. I will aim to push all data I care about into the cloud.
3. Maintain Inbox Zero and get rid of email subscriptions.
4. (offline steps only visible offline)

What is life?

2009-06-13T09:04:00.002+05:30

Disclaimer: I neither claim to be nor am I a 'philosopher'. I can recommend you to keep reading if you want to read (and potentially) answer some questions which spring from a curious "scientifically-oriented" mind.

Someone asked, what is life?

Ever wondered that if everything that the body does is just chemical reactions and the outcome of really precisely laid out cells then what really makes them live? Is there a some switch which activates the really precise arrangement of the cells and they start to "live"? Or its just that if we put all the cells one-by-one in exactly the same fashion, the body will instantly come to life the moment we plug in the last cell!

May we can understand this if we can know that what is it that makes a body lose life. Why does it die and what is it that changes in the body when it dies? A body loses life when some of the cells regulating its activities becomes maligned or is blocked from carrying out its function. Or in other words its no longer part of the body in the same formula in which it existed earlier. But that again does not hint at the presence (or absence) of some kind of "switch" which activates and deactivates the body.

Why can't a dead body be brought to life again? Earlier logic would say that this should indeed be possible if we know how to find out the maligned cells and restore them in the body according to their original mapping. What if the cells get damaged? We need to replace them. We also know the body itself has the best possible auto repair mechanism built right into it. There are cells which function only to check the function of other cells and so on. So maybe the best replace procedure would be start with basic cells and bring the body to a state where it can start replacing its cells automatically. Also, there would be certain parts of the body which wont be able to do this replacement by itself - like the brain. Will that potentially curb or even stop any hopes of an established replacement procedure?

Well, much said (and nothing done) it does seem like a "herculean" task. The question to answer is - Will the body start to live again if we are able to replace all the dead cells and put them in their proper positions?

What is life? Well I am afraid not many know what it is. Yes, many people do have an opinion of what life is all about and what it sums to. Many relate it to existence - the ability to perceive the environment and react to it. So is that all that separates a living form from a non-living form? If that be the case do we have some kind of universal meter that can gauge if a form is living or not? If yes, then how does this meter record the ability of the form to perceive its environment? A rock is swayed in the wind and its rubbed by the waves. Does that not amount to a reaction to external stimuli? But then, is rock a living form?

Would love to hear some voices.

Aimless

2009-04-02T11:58:00.001+05:30

The roads never ended. You could keep on cycling and still reach nowhere - or you could just take a look around and find your destination right there.

Void

2009-01-03T23:49:00.000+05:30

I have been pretty blank for a couple of months now.

Well, try this.

Close your eyes. Put your fingers on your eyelids and force them to stay shut.

Me & myself - yet again!

2008-11-01T00:07:00.006+05:30

I couldn't think of what to write and so I picked out this paragraph from somewhere.

I have never missed someone so much… Someone who doesn’t need a face to be remembered. Someone whose thoughts circle around you all the time. Someone - I don’t know who. One would think I am in love with this someone. But is that really true?

When I have felt lonely, I have imagined a 'someone' whom I have missed and I have longed for. Someone who I want to sit beside me and let me hold hands. That someone - I am not sure who I see. I don’t think it’s a person I have met before. I don’t think it’s a person. I think its an imagination - a figment from my own disparate senses. Maybe it is something that I long for. Maybe its something that I need.

I long for a someone to sit beside me. That is it.

"I want to learn"

2008-10-18T11:27:00.003+05:30

I was in one of three rooms that this school had for teaching students up to standard 5. I stood pressed to the wall as I looked at around twenty, fifth class kids sitting on blue-black mats each of them having their own posture and their own personal way to pay respect to my friend who stood beside the blackboard ready to teach them. I looked at their hands as they fidgeted around, putting them in their mouths, behind their back, into their little sacks which perhaps contained some notebook. I looked at their clothes - some wearing semi-white ironed uniforms while the rest in their browned colorful attire. I looked at their symbols - some wearing the taabeez, some the Cross, some nothing. I looked at their eyes, as they looked at each other, or at their teacher, or stared into the floor or the space around them.

And then a kid sprang out, came back after a minute with a chalk-piece in hand and gave it to my friend. The signal had been given. Let knowledge flow!...

Cut-Copy-Paste!

2008-10-06T14:17:00.002+05:30

Ah! A new feeling!

When was the last time you felt like punishing someone who you knew was NOT guilty?! When did you start thinking that you are probably getting a bit too old for you body to handle you? When did you have the adrenaline rush to turn young, but didn't know what to or how to do it? When was the last time you sat down with a person and... just kept quiet... When was it that you wanted to humiliate a person morally so that YOU will feel better? When was it that you just wanted to crush some of your useless glands away because you wanted to laugh your heart out.. at nothing?

Questions are a wonderful way to express emotions aren't they?

Here's waiting for a time; when this cycle; this vicious vicious cycle; will also be stabbed to death.

Will Power

2008-10-01T12:02:00.001+05:30

There is a certain class of humans who think in strange ways.

They are people who think they have a very high Will power and that they can go to any end to try to achieve what they want. There is a special category among these set of people who want to see a situation turning out the way they imagine it to be. This interestingly includes situations when the person can hurt himself badly - but the image is more important than the self.

As is pretty clear - I think I fall in this special category.

A Story

2008-06-15T10:15:00.002+05:30

He was a lunatic. This is what his medical card said. He wasn't supposed to go out to civilization ever. His world was limited to the four walls of a 10 by 10 room. He could not meet anyone. He could not talk to anyone. There was darkness in his room at night. There were no night lights. In the morning the room would light up due to the two holes in the eastern wall. He had a bed on which he could sit - or sleep - or draw. He had paper and pencil...

"Good morning Doctor! What is the progress?"

"Well… I think I am stuck in a very confusing situation. This man has not eaten anything for the last fifteen days. He has plugged the holes in his wall. Cameras show that he hasn't tried to sleep as well. Look at these videos…"

The video showed a man - in his mid forties - crouching in the corner of a very dark room. He had a pencil in his hand and he seemed to be drawing something on paper. He looked frightened - it at least looked like that.

White.

He did not know where he was. He could not see anything around him. He felt happy though. He was feeling relieved. It was as if he was floating on a cloud. He could not smell anything. He was sure there was no one else there - wherever he was. The white was pure. Serene. Calm. There was a sound of flowing water. It was surely very distant though. There was a breeze that kissed his skin as it flew past him. He hadn't felt happier in a very long time…

He was still holding them tight - his paper and pencil. They were very important to him right now - perhaps more important than his own life. They could help him prove to the people that he was not wrong, that he was not making up stories, that all he had ever experienced was indeed true!

The door to cell number 34C was opened. I walked in. He lay there in front of me on a single piece of white cloth - apparently sedated. He had a smile on his lips. The door closed behind me. We were alone now. I had instructed the Doctor to strictly monitor our meeting. I had a task to commit - and it was best that I carried it out as fast as possible. He was waking up…

"… so you are here. Why have you come this time? What do want to listen to? I am sure you will not believe me… I am sure you think I am a lunatic…" His voice was deep and husky. He looked tired. He hadn't eaten for sixteen days.

"Mr. Abba Rahim. I am here to offer you something."

The man was surprised. He quickly looked up! He thought it was the Doctor who had come to give him his dose of medicines. Instead he saw me.

"How do you know my name? Nobody over here knows me by that name! Everyone calls me Number 34C. I don't know who you are! Go away. I don't want to talk to you. Go away. Call the doctor. Don't come near me! Go away. Go away!" He was very disturbed. Maybe I could have started in a better way! But it was to be done anyway - and it was to be done now…

Dream Sequence

2008-05-04T23:22:00.001+05:30

I was walking on a small pedestrian beside a smooth, empty road. I was holding a woman's hand - I think she was my mother. There was another kid on the other side. We were a happy group - walking along this empty barren road, looking and laughing at god knows what!

The emptiness of the road was really surprising. We were actually expecting an army regiment to pass by. And what was it that we were looking for? I think we were in search of my father - we expected him to be there among those thousands that would march on these streets every single day. I do not really remember the look on my mother's face then. I think she was surprised. There was probably something that she expected but it was not happening. Or was it the other way round?

Suddenly I could feel my mothers hold stiffen. I looked back and we saw a procession. It must have been a mile away even a second before! It seemed to be coming at us - with amazing speed!

"...., COME WITH ME!", my mother yelled at the both us. I suddenly noticed that the sides of the pedestrian transformed into huge slopes ascending away from us! The slope seemed never-ending at least till where I could see. We started climbing the slope - I don't know why. At least that is what mommy wanted us to do.

We were currently leaning down from the slopes maybe some dozen meters away from the pavement. The sight was frightening! Huge men - fully clad in army uniforms - were rushing past us. We could hardly make out any of their faces! And then suddenly the most drastic thing happened!

"NOOOO..", my mother was screaming at the top of her lungs. The slopes had suddenly started to tremble. And then I saw a hole - a perfectly round hole - just emerge very near to where we were sitting. And then new holes emerged and the old ones closed. The trembling started to increase. We were no longer being able to control ourselves. And then....

... a hole opened right below me. I slipped in, but I was holding my mother's hand. I knew she would rescue me. I could hear her shrieks and moans as she tried to pull me out. But then I started hearing more voices - voices I had never heard before. I looked down into the hole. I saw a man and a woman - they looked a bit old. They were smiling and talking to each other. And they were pulling me in...

NOO! THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE!! NO!!

Aah.. uh.. hmm... It was a dream...

Envy. Pride. Greed. Hunger.

2008-04-08T21:33:00.001+05:30

What do you do when a small child in tattered clothes and bruised hands comes up to you and asks you for a piece of chocolate that you have been admiring and eating for the past half hour?

What do you do when you see a woman clad in a piece of cloth lying on the pavement beside a post mailbox with a container in her hand - both empty in all respects?

What do you do when your mother stops you from buying corn from a hawker who has been trying to sell her goods for the last ten days?

What do you do when you see six street children playing cricket in the middle of the road with the leg of a chair and paper-wrapped stones?

What do you do when the washer man's child looks up at you and gleams as if mocking you for not being able to wash your own clothes - or thanking you for giving his father something to do?

What do you do when you see a bunch of men gambling on the road side pavement with two-rupee coins jingling in their pockets and thirty-rupee beer adorning their sides?

What do you do when the mango-seller outside your house brings you a mango and tells you that you can have it as a gift from him?

What do you do when a baul singer comes to your house and asks you for some food for the children in his ashram?

What will you do the day you realize that you could have been any of the individuals described above?

Home!

2008-03-29T19:05:00.004+05:30

Just got some pics of our terrace garden from Dad!

:)

2008-03-27T21:54:00.001+05:30

Scared... Shy... Jittery... Happy!

Confused still!!

2nd BITSian Holi!

2008-03-22T23:00:00.007+05:30

Spot me!

A Memory

2008-03-20T12:21:00.001+05:30

Seems like a long time since I last blogged!

Life in Pilani is showing up with different colours everyday. One can easily get lost in this place. There could be any number of things happening around you at any given point of time! I just can't come to think of my situation had I been admitted to any one of those city colleges where people dump girlfriends faster than they change their underwear!

Making sense of things around me has never been so difficult! Things have not been upbeat for me. Not many positive results that I have seen happen to me in the last couple of months. Yet, I have had times when my heart jumped and skipped a beat!

The Story of ABC seems to bother me no more. I have decided that the story wont be written. What happens in real life depends entirely on chance - or should I say providence! I seriously don't care about so many things right now!

My "geekdom" has got quite a savoury of its own. I have been able to satiate my ego in more ways than one in our last tech fest in Pilani. Reading up stuff on Swarm Intelligence & Wireless Networks & Network Simulators and successfully recompiling open source software and extending open source code and blah blah... Its been good for me. (I was about to be selected to show off my stuff to the Chancellor of my institute - until a professor remarked "I think this is a bit too technical for him to understand" :-)) The bad part of course is the void in terms of materialistic results - no prizes for me this time!

Something that I really enjoyed this time was responsibility! Coordinating with sixteen juniors under me and pulling off a brilliantly organized workshop might not sound very great. It was an enriching experience for me though and I am sure for all the juniors who I am sure are much more confident individuals now. Leadership is surely something that you can inculcate in yourself through experience - and I am certainly looking forward to many of such experiences now.

A Memory is all too precious sometimes... you don't want to lose it under any circumstances. Let the memories be stored!

Pre-examination thought therapy!

2008-01-31T23:38:00.000+05:30

I have an exam tomorrow. But I feel like writing a story. I already have a title! "The Story of A B C!" I am sure its going to come out soon now...

May the thought-therapy be successful.

Culture

2008-01-21T11:27:00.001+05:30

A man who has been alone since birth will have no verbal behavior, will not be aware of himself as a person, will possess no techniques of self-management, and with respect to the world around him will have only those meager skills which can be acquired in one short lifetime from nonsocial contingencies . . . To be for oneself is to be almost nothing (Skinner, 1971, pp. 117–118).

I care...

2008-01-15T22:07:00.001+05:30

Have you ever felt that you suddenly want to take care of someone you hardly know?

I have.

The homecoming!

2007-12-16T22:21:00.001+05:30

Aah! It feels so nice...

Yes! I am back home!!

Three semesters over!

2007-12-13T00:11:00.001+05:30

So finally I am done with the third semester of my BITSian career.. What about writing a semester review? Nah! Not this time!

This semester has had its own highlights. But more than anything else it has formed the base for more exciting times ahead. May the wheels keep rolling...

Roles!

2007-12-02T16:33:00.001+05:30

Friend
Philosopher Companion
Geek
Student
Teacher
DJ Raj (for my wing on rainy days!)
Thinker

I am loving it!

Conversation

2007-12-02T14:06:00.001+05:30

A: You know what's my biggest weakness? I just can't stand being criticized.

B: Its worse if you start ignoring criticism... Par hua kya? Someone said something?

B: Ab bataa bhi!

A: Aise hi, I just realized this after coming over here... I know I may not be right all the time... but this is me. I know that am still immature. I need to learn a lot. Why do people always expect you to be perfect? I have my own opinion about things... which may be different from others... Why can't people understand this? And I just hate being rejected. I do not want them to be or think like me... But they can at least let me be me. I miss my home a lot for this.

B: A! This place does make you think differently. Your message... it seemed as if I was reading my diary! There are too many different types of people in this world. Its sometimes nice meeting them. But at the end of the day if you can be YOURSELF and not anyone else... that would be the biggest achievement.

A: Yeah... That's the whole problem... I hate being criticized... and get hurt real badly when someone does so... To avoid that I can either change my own views or pretend to do so or say nothing at all... People here know just a part of me... There's a lot more that they don't know... They consider me all goody goody types... That bubbly, jumpy, sometimes lost individual... I am lucky to have those people in my life... Coz I know they love me and will be there for me... But there are times when I feel real lonely... Coz I know they love only a part of me... I mean... I don't no.

B: I still think I am pretty immature. But I am often happy that I can think simply... that I can find pleasure in trivial things. I have still a lot to learn... and this place has ways to make you do that. I know a lot of people here but I still feel lonely sometimes...

A: You know what, there's only one person in this world who knows all about me... Bhale hi not 100% but at least 90%... And still loves me. And that's my sis. I really miss her a lot.

B: :) Human behaviour is too complicated for humans to understand! There was a time when I used to judge everyone and form opinions. I changed when I realized I had understood my best friend wrongly. Try to live without judging people. Try not to be mature. Just try to be yourself. That is all... And yes people DO NOT deserve your explanations.

A: Yeah... In the end its only you...Yourself... On your own... Its your life... And you need to decide what you gotta do with it... How you want it to be like... What do you think will you remember or rather would like to remember after 50 years or so... Its all fun and masti here... The small things that you'd always remember... But you also need to have some people to hold on to... Anyway leave it... Sometimes I get real philosophical.

B: Sorry I was pretty tired last night... must have slept off! Just one thing to add. Life has its own way of dealing with things... and you never know when something that seemed small, might become big enough to be a companion for life... One more thing... you are a wonderful person but do not expect everyone to understand you. And yes PLEASE be open to outside opinion... let it at least sink into your head. Don't make the mistake of locking yourself up!

Yet another useless post!

2007-11-26T01:56:00.001+05:30

I just hurt someone... I wish I hadn't.

Did I?

Of Gaajar & Mooli

2007-11-21T01:04:00.001+05:30

Why am I feeling so hideously low at this moment? Why does one discussion have so much power to control so much in me? Why is the pain so deep that it is unwilling to subside any bit? Why can't I rid myself of all that happened? Why is it clouding my window of light - blinding me of the so many good things that has happened to me?

I want to write about the best thing that happened with me in a long time.

Today I got a very rare gift for my birthday. Carrots!

I like talking to the people who work in my hostel mess. One of them - an elderly gentleman - is seen every other day cutting Cucumber pieces. One fine day I asked him if they are going to serve anything else besides cucumbers or not! He promised me that he will get radish along with the cucumbers soon!

From then on, every week I used to ask him why he didn't get the radish this time! Today was different.

Bhaiya aap aaj bhi mooli nahi laaye!

He says...

Arre aap se vaada kiya hai, aapko ham mooli zaroor khila kar rahenge!

Another mess worker adds from behind -

Yeh sahab Chirawa ke hain. Inhe mooli toh zaroor khilana!

Chirawa is my ancestral home - a small town close to Pilani. On hearing this he looks baffled and he shouts out an animated order to a junior!

Arre bhai dekh! Andar koi mooli hai kya! Aaj toh inka janamdin bhi hai!

I resume my lunch. In the meantime there is a frantic search for radishes in the mess. The gentleman ultimately comes back - not with a radish but a carrot!

Sahab poora mess dekh liya. RPA bhi gaya. Aaj mooli nahi hai. Par yeh gaajar hai...

I had never tasted a sweeter carrot...

I returned for dinner and met him again. The moment he saw me he blurted out -

Main aapke liye mooli le kar aaya. Par jab pahucha tab tak aap kha kar ja chuke the..

I beamed like never before! I hadn't felt this happy in a long time...

Today I got a very rare gift for my birthday. Sorry. No single word to describe what I got.

20

2007-11-20T18:09:00.001+05:30

I have turned Twenty today. I am no longer a teenager. I am supposed to be a mature individual now.

Yesterday a professor asked us to describe ourselves in two to three lines. I said...

I think a lot. I try to make sense of whatever I see around me. I love simple things. I am emotional and intelligent.

Sometimes I wish I didn't believe that I was 'mature' - that I had the right and the reason to act in a childish manner.

At 20, the only thing I can hope for is to keep the child in me alive. May I remain sensible... and simple.

Mid-Sem Break!

2007-11-13T22:55:00.001+05:30

A quick trip to Delhi was perhaps more than necessary for me this Diwali.

So it was! Four days away from Pilani... and away from a lot of other things. Away from my room, my wingies, my hostel, everything that I associate with myself in this place.

I want to start off differently now.

GS Application
Academics
"Illusions"
Micro mouse
More acads...

This semester sure hasn't ended!

Humility vs. Humiliation!

2007-11-06T10:14:00.001+05:30

Aaah…

I just came back from a test… it was one of the worst tests I have ever written! The best part about today's 'feat' is that I am not really feeling sad or anything… I am in yet another of those states where I feel I am not what I am. My eyes are there somewhere on the ceiling of the room and I am observing myself typing away some nonsense on the laptop.

I am smiling… almost sniggering!

Two wingies didn't write the test because they slept through it. Interesting.

I am sleepy… I think I have a slight headache as well… but I don't want to miss writing this all down!

Why is it so funny? What am I laughing at…

Ha ha ha ha ha ha…

Untitled

2007-11-03T10:02:00.001+05:30

One good thing that I learned today…

the conquest of fear lies in its acceptance

Philosophy over a cup of tea

2007-10-30T10:31:00.001+05:30

I can't exactly remember the last time I felt like this… But no, there is a distinct sense of déjà vu. It has happened before. A similar state of affairs – when you are so confused you can't really figure out if you are happy or sad. You are not really depressed but you are not entirely sure what feeling to express or what feeling to enjoy. You feel… kind of dejected maybe.

I had a nice discussion today. A friend wanted to show me a book that she had read. So we met. The book is 'Illusions' by Richard Bach. It lies by my side as I write. But the book had hardly much to do with the chat. I am always excited when I talk to someone who is excited about talking about something! We chatted over stuff like – 'What is it that shapes a human in his/her lifetime? What influences the person to make a certain decision?' Pretty interesting huh! We discussed how a person who is following one line of thought religiously, when he comes across or suppose reads about a new line of thought might be influenced by it. The point being – you can never change an opinion about something unless you are ready to accept the new-found point of view with a mindset which is already biased towards the original point of view. Well, it basically boils down to your strength of belief in something.

We also talked about stuff like – 'Life after Life" – another book that she had read. She explained to me about the concept of NDE's and the feeling of calm that is experienced whenever we detach from our body. Pretty interesting stuff for two people who have spent a major part of their life thinking!

While we were chatting I somehow felt that I was trying to act a bit too mature – probably because my friend was more than two years younger and she kept repeating that "maybe I am not too mature to start applying all of these thoughts, or properly convinced as to what to do in life." We decided to meet sometime else again – well I was already late for something else on the list of things planned for the day.

It was a nice discussion. But more than anything else it forced me to think more about myself. I felt really strange – as if controlled – a rush of emotions triggered haphazardly by hormones rushing around in the body. Something was missing somewhere – as if sucked out of my body. I kept thinking about various people around me. I am still thinking about the various people around me. I am awestruck. These are the people who have shaped my life. They have influenced every opinion, every decision, every thought and emotion inside me. I am not what I am because of me – I am what I am because of what these people have made out of me. The real me never existed – my body never required one.

(Random thoughts of a boy who is just going to get over with his teenage life!)

[Title goes here]

2007-10-29T02:14:00.001+05:30

I am groggy eyed. But I want to write.

I am angry – angry at someone who hasn't responded. I have no reason to be angry. I have no reason to care.

My mind doesn't ask for a reason. It's irrational. It needs comfort. It needs direction.

I want to stop writing posts that no one will understand. I want to get back my stability again. I don't want to blurt out nonsense. Or maybe I do. Maybe blurting out nonsense frees the mind – that's what they say… maybe that means that I want to free up my mind.

Do not clog my mind. Let it be free.

Let there be peace.

Do not interpret

2007-10-25T06:34:00.001+05:30

One fine day…

...why does it always mess with the mind when I least want it to…

I think I like her… but I don't want to… Help me. Help me to correct my thoughts. I want the flashes to get over…

The more I try the more they come. Maybe I should just stop trying…

I don't know what to do. I need help.

"Do you like him?"

"…why do you ask… not really…"

"Does he like you?"

"I don't know. Maybe he does."

"Do you trust me?"

"What is wrong with you today??"

"…"

(PS: I don't know why I am posting this… but its fun!)

No titles please

2007-10-05T16:33:00.000+05:30

I thrive on emotions...

I live on simple thoughts, think of simple occurences. Events around me influence a lot. I demonstrate patience - but its a patience that exists only for the outer world. I am unstable... I am innocent... I am simple.

Emotions kill me...

Hello world!

2007-09-12T00:53:00.000+05:30

I hate my phone. I hate it because I am so attached to it. I cling on to it for a message that might come for me or a phone call from someone who just thought about me.

Dude I am lonely or what!

I am awake

2007-06-14T23:36:00.000+05:30

I am lying on my bed. Eyes closed. I am not sleeping. It’s dark. Images are floating in front of my eyes. I can see a boy. Shorts. Tee-shirt. Decently cut hair. He is talking on the telephone. There is nothing around him except for a floating twig. His face is dark. I see grass. I see hair. A wisp of hair. It’s dark. Very dark.

A voice from behind. “Haan bolo…” I twist my head – into nothingness. Then slowly a candle lights up. In that candlelight I see the face of a young girl. Her eyes are closed. Her hands folded together as if in prayer. Her bright tresses reach a little below her shoulders. Her lips are curled up. An air of calmness.

“TRING. TRING.”

The silence is lost. A steady wind picks up. I still can’t see anything but the face in front of me. The wind picks up speed. The candlelight starts to flicker. The girl’s hair starts to blow in the wind. The light is getting dimmer by the second! The uproar of the winds has increased to mighty proportions! The light is dying! Her hands are still folded… With a final gush the candle is blown out… Everything is silent. Everything is black.

What is that sound? “Ss… khi khi… uh huh uh huh… shi…” Somebody is crying.

“Who is there?”

“huh huh… I am so confused…”

What in the world is happening? Why can’t I see anything? Why am I blinded? Who is crying??

“AH!” Oh my God! What was that painful streak? What is it that just rushed through my body? Why do I feel that I have the heaviest hands and legs in the world? Why do I feel that I am chained to the ground? Why do I feel that I am being sucked into something?

Oh my God… OH MY GOD!! I can’t feel my legs. Somebody is grabbing my waist! I am being pulled inside something. I can’t lift up my hands. I CAN’T SEE ONE DAMN THING! HELP! HELP! SOMEONE SAVE ME! SAVE M…

Silence.

Swisssssh… “Where the HELL is this?” I seem to be flying inside a tunnel. There are streaks of light all over the place. They seem to come and go in the blink of an eye. This tunnel is not made up of walls. I don’t know why, but it looks alive. The walls keep twisting and merging together. They seem liquid. It’s huge! But where am I going?

Vrooom... What was that? Did something just pass by? Is my speed increasing? OMFG! It seems as if I am being pulled apart! Oh shit! I am headed towards a dead end. Darkness. I still seem to be moving in the darkness… propelled by some external force. “What is that?!” I see a white point. It looks as if it’s gleaming. I am heading right for it…

I am closing in. It’s HUGE! It’s some kind of huge globule. What are those things that seem to floating on its surface? They are gleaming. Oh my GOD! They are moving about! There must be millions of those over there!! OMG! Maggots! ZOOOOOOOOOMMmm… A sound of broken glass. SILENCE.

I open my eyes slowly. Where am I? Am I inside the globule? It’s white everywhere. It’s TOO white! There is absolutely nothing over here. There is all the light in the world but I can only see my hands and my body. There is no floor below me. I can’t see any floor. Then how am I standing? I can wave my hand around. But I don’t feel anything. There is no air over here. Then how am I breathing? I can touch myself. “Ouch!” I can feel my pricks. But even then… there is nothing. Nothing at all! No sound. Not even a steady whir. It’s just WHITE! An infinite expanse of… nothingness. Except me.

I turn around. “What is that little black thing that seems to be floating over there?” I move towards it. It is a telephone. What am I supposed to do with this? Am I supposed to call someone?

TRING. TRING…

The phone starts to ring. Should I pick it up? Is it meant for me? I see the white around me getting blurry. It seems as if the ‘white’ whatever it is, has started moving, circulating around. It seems to materialize into millions of small white particles which have started to move amongst themselves! Oh… They are approaching me! The world of white seems to be closing down! TRING TRING! The phone continues to ring. The particles are approaching me… TRING TRING! What should I do??...

Silence.

Black. There is a soft wind which is blowing by. It seems to caress my hair. I am sitting on a sofa. Laid back. It’s comfortable over here. There is a small bonfire in front of me. But its light seems to be reaching only till the two people who are sitting around it. One of them is the boy who was talking on the telephone. He is wearing an orange tee-shirt and blue pajamas. He seems to be drawing something on the sand with his fingers.

The other is the girl. The light of the bonfire seems to be playing with my vision. She is smiling. She is looking at the boy draw on the sand. There is a twinkle in her eyes…

I seem to have lost a lot of blood in that last journey. I am feeling very weak. I can hear my heart beat loudly. There is water in my eyes. But I fear shedding them because they might create a fire around me. I don’t want to get burnt. I want to live.

God bless…

Diversion Ahead!

2007-06-09T02:16:00.000+05:30

The last post onwards, I have been thinking about creating a separate space to write more about the activities I am involved in. I think these ideas won’t go well with the current atmosphere of this blog. Hence, I will be sharing them through another column which can be accessed here…

For friends who have so kindly considered this blog to be part of their blogroll, I request them to kindly go through the description of the new blog and accordingly choose to update their blogroll with the new address.

Looking forward to greater voyages in search of sense… and simplicity!

Activity Monitor

2007-06-01T00:38:00.000+05:30

I thought that I was getting bored until I found out that listing the things that was in mind would show clearly the bulk of activity in my brain!

So… what was I doing?

Flash. Not the best software in the world. For one, I do not find it user friendly. And trying to learn how it works is pretty much a painful affair considering that I am not using any book. It’s fun anyway! Some interesting projects in mind…
Blogs. I am reading much more than I used to. And reading other blogs has never been so much fun!
Web 2.0. What is Web 2.0? Exactly! That’s what I wanted to find out and I landed on the O’Reilly Website.
Dot-com burst! Whatever it is…
Snoop Dogs format outline. Why? BITSians will know in some time.
Reading Steve Job’s address to Stanford students. This guy is seriously interesting
Grid Computing! Got to find out what exactly is it!
I know how to start a car now!!
Maze solving algorithms. Fine… This is going to take some time.

Hmm… That’s a lot of things. What say?

A Mirrored Life

2007-06-01T00:29:00.000+05:30

I came across this pic on Rwitajit’s Flickr Account and couldn’t resist writing down what I felt about the pic.

The reflection. It is not natural. What could it mean?

I look into the mirror and see myself. I stretch forward, trying to ‘touch’ myself – trying to approach myself, discover myself. The image stretches his hand out as if… asking for something.

When you try to discover yourself the entity inside you asks you for something. And unless you can give it, the barrier of the mirror stops you. What is this something?

Well, well! Too much philosophy! Must get down to do some work now!

"Year-end review" finally over

2007-05-28T23:39:00.000+05:30

(continued from last post)

Flash 58:

EEE Room. “Rajat, you have to help out Kirni with the Tracking Bug project.”

Flash 59:

Backstage. Vol structure. “We got to make the best structure!”

Flash 60:

Vetti’s call. “Dude I heard you can code in VB…”

Flash 61:

Shuchi’s Bitsian birthday. My (our) card.

Flash 62:

Outside OLAB. “Oh you are the guy! We are planning to make a working model…”

Flash 63:

EEE room. “Rajat. Can you just write the computer interface code for this walking stick project?”

Flash 64:

Outside the mess. “Nikhil, can I please not come today?” “Rajat, try to come. If you don’t come I don’t expect many people to turn up. We have to complete the work.”

Flash 65:

Backstage. “Oh, only three vols left to complete the APOGEE work… Remember to recruit more Gults next time.”

Flash 66:

SMS. “Food from home! Come and have a share!” “Sorry…”

Flash 67:

Backstage. Raja Ram. “Suppose you become the STUCCAN of backstage. Don’t you think that if people do not turn up for work they are to be chucked out?”

Flash 68:

Kirni’s room. 4 o’ clock in the morning. First day of APOGEE. “Hmm… Lets try tuning the program. Edit the timer delay.” Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. “YES! It is working!”

Flash 69:

EEE Project display room. “Rajat lets just run the simulator and we can explain the BB84 protocol to the people who come.”

Flash 70:

Physics project display room. Explaining the protocol. Standing. Watching. Enjoying.

Flash 71:

EEE Project room. Smart home setup. Carrying computers around. “I got a mic for you!”

Flash 72:

EEE Project room. VC. “You are the guy with 3-4 projects… Good luck!”

Flash 73:

OHT. “Get some EPC mags here.” Shuchi. Broken. I don’t want to give my opinion. No. I have to help.

Flash 74:

Smart home. Outsti girl. “Hey, this is an amazing project!” “Oooo… Please give me your email address.”

Flash 75:

BOB. The plane. It looks so good! Bhat. “Is this really a backstage structure?”

Flash 76:

SMS. “Don’t feel down. You are good in many things…”

Flash 77:

APOGEE Prize Distribution. “Security and defense. First prize. Smart Homes!” “Second Prize. Tracking Bug!” Blah…

I do not feel good. I want to end these flashes fast…

Flash 78:

EEE Room. “Pick up Rajat!” “This one for Smart Home! This one for Tracking Bug! This one for…”

Flash 79:

C’not. EEE treat. George. “Great APOGEE.” “And with first years like Karteek and Rajat…”

Flash 80:

“We forgot to mention your name on the project list…”

Flash 81:

Back IC. “What happened?” “Nothing.” “That day outside Ram… I was really hurt.” “He has destroyed my semester.” “I DESERVE MORE.” Cry. Silence.

Flash 82:

SMS. “Rishabh asked me out and I said yes! :)” “Nice, nice”

Flash 83:

Outside Sky. “What happened?” “Maybe what I told you I meant in a different way.” Walking towards MB. Karbelkar walking ahead!

Flash 84:

Hanuman Mandir. Praying.

Flash 85:

“I really want you to be a ten pointer this semester.”

Flash 86:

Bhawan allotment out. Saurya…

Flash 87:

Wing Rep. “Ya, lets take him in.” “So you want this wing. OK”

Flash 88:

Wing allotment meeting. Upper Front Wing. Clash. Draw of lots. “YES!”

Flash 89:

Compres. Room. IPC. Room. Mess. IPC. Room.

Flash 90:

IPC. “I don’t feel like studying workshop.” “Best of luck!”

Flash 91:

Workshop exam. Kutti sitting behind me.

Flash 92:

IPC. Prob stat marks. Oops…

Flash 93:

Prob Stat papers. “I think I just lost my 10.” Kutti. “No. Talk to him. Send for recheck.”

Flash 94:

Sky. Lots of people. Kutti. “Raajaat! I asked the IC! You will get A…”

Flash 95:

CP 1 exam. “Aaah.. Cool paper!” “Compres are over!”

Flash 96:

Burning DVDs! Filling up the trunk!

Flash 97:

Major Jeetendra’s house. Watching blast videos. “Amazing!”

Flash 98:

“You are strong. Continue to be strong. And best of luck…”

Flash 99:

Last day of the first year. Ram Bhawan. Roof top. Lying down. Starry sky… Pondering.

Flash 100:

“Bye…”

Hmm… And thus a year ended.

"Year-end review" Part three

2007-05-27T23:01:00.000+05:30

(continued from last post)

Flash 37:

Delhi Railway Station. Waiting room. Shruti. Divya. “Accha tell me! Who are your crushes in BITS?”

Flash 38:

Home sweet home. Talking to mummy. “Mummy… I don’t think I want to sit for IIT entrance again.”

Flash 39:

Rajdhani Express. Vaibhav. Shashank. Shushant! Nikhil!! The fat lady!!!

Flash 40:

5103. “First Blood!” “Hello everybody. Welcome to this quiz…” “Yes, welcome everyone to this general quiz organized totally by us…” “Yes! All first yearites!”

Flash 41:

150 Gandhi. Working with Rwitajit on a movie for Founders Day. “Tell me will this look better… or… lets look at this… hmm… what about this?” “Just increase the time a bit and pull it down… ya that should do….”

Flash 42:

Around 2 o’ clock at night. Gandhi Bhawan. Rwitajit. “What? You didn’t even bring a jacket along with you? How will you go back?” “OK. Take this shawl.”

Flash 43:

Room. SMS. “Dude the computer we were working on got formatted accidently! We have to start most of it from scratch…”

Flash 44:

150 Gandhi. Working on the movie. Reminder Alert. “EPC written test 1500 hrs”. “Hmm… Guss! Will think about it later!” Ramya’s missed calls. “Rajat if you want to go then go for it.”

Flash 45:

FD1. EPC written test. Half and hour late… Coming out. Fifteen minutes before time!

Flash 46:

151 Ram! Saurya’s Room! “DUDE! You are in EPC!”

Flash 47:

Ganga. 2230 hrs… Gandhi. Rishabh. Me. 5 degrees above zero! Hot parathas! Curd! Butter! Mango pickle!

Flash 48:

Vernon’s room. “Hey, this is very well written!” “Thanks” “No! Thanks for the article! It’s going to be there!”

Flash 49:

Outside Ram Bhawan. Saurya. Shuchi. “Hey! I attended a CEL meeting today! It was one of the most interesting things that I have been to recently...! What happened? This guy wants to sort out all my stuff! Please! It’s impossible! Don’t even try. I have to sort out things myself. Are you still angry? Tell me… Bah! Fine! Tell me when you want to.”

Flash 50:

5104. Samay. Stueti Gupta. Others. People, this is going to be one of the biggest conferences that BITS is going to host. We can’t afford to make any mistake!

Flash 51:

5104. Clapping! Inauguration of EMTM2N (International Conference on Emerging Mechanical Technology – Macro to Nano). The BITSIMO enters the room with candles as it is carefully steered inside using remote controls!

Flash 52:

Library. We are the guides today! And the visitors are students, professors and scientists from all over the world! “Sir, this section has a rare collection of history book which date back to many centuries…”

Flash 53:

CRIS Lab. “Jaideep, I used the speech kit and I think I have figured out a way to make the software recognize the voice command and generate a signal. I just want to test if the parallel port thing is working fine.”

Flash 54:

The TBI rooms. Jaideep’s chamber. Testing the Appliance control application on the computer using LEDs. It works! “Rajat… Brilliant! You have made it work! This is our first working model for APOGEE! You know we can do so many things! The entire smart home project… I think we should package it. And with the ideas we have we will be able to sell our package at much cheaper rates. I know a guy in Jaipur who…”

Flash 55:

Auditorium. Sangamam. Day 1. Vocal concert. Recording the concert with Rwitajit.

Flash 56:

Auditorium. Sangamam. Day 2. Jugalbandi. “Wow! The flutist is brilliant!” I am sitting some 10 rows from front. With Chinmay now. Rishabh, Saurya and Shuchi in the lights booth. But I like it over here. I want to enjoy the performance alone!

Flash 57:

Auditorium. Sangamam. Day 3. Dance! The dance tells a story… it is so wonderful. Sap. “Hey! You are sitting alone? None of your girlfriends came with you today?”

(to be continued)

"Year-end review" continued...

2007-05-27T00:04:00.000+05:30

(continued from last post)

Flash 17:

First music night. “Did you see Nilanjana?” “No I didn’t.”

Flash 18:

In the mess. Animesh. “Sorry for the SMS joke dude!” Stamping out of the mess. In my room. Crying…

Flash 19:

“So you think I am a flirt? This is how I am. PLEASE this is all very normal. Let me be…”

Flash 20:

Backstage work session. Who’s this? So calm and quiet and always smiling! Prachi.

Flash 21:

Going towards MB. With cycles by our side. Who needs cycles over a nice chat? Sharada Peeth. Best place for a quiet conversation…

Flash 22:

Institute Canteen. Odie. “Two people. I think I like…”

Flash 23:

On the phone. Feeling very bitter. “Shouldn’t happen with her as well…” “WHY DO YOU CARE FOR SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT CARE FOR YOU?”

Flash 24:

Back IC. Me. Nil. “Sorry…” Rishabh. Saurya. “Hey…”

Flash 25:

A Test here. A tut there. It’s all part of life now!

Flash 26:

BOSM. Heena!

Flash 27:

Gym G. Packed with people! Cream Bell Licks. Lemon licks rock! Animesh. Shuchi.

Flash 28:

Maths exam tomorrow. But “Lady Windermere’s Fan” today! All the best!!

Flash 29:

Puja grounds. Durga Puja. So many beauties in campus! I am on stage! Wow! Here I go… another merry-go-round! This is so much fun…

Flash 30:

OASIS! The much hyped festival is finally here! So are the night outs for us “stage-controllers”. Dude these guys rock!

Flash 31:

FD2 Quadrangle. Second round of BLAB. Jamming is not my game! Palvi. “Whom do you want to go out with for a date from the people in the audience?” Tricky situation. Vernon. “He’s right here!”

Flash 32:

Audi. Final night of OASIS! FashP! DCAC rocks! (Electrocutes as well!!... DC. AC. Ha ha! Sorry!)

Flash 33:

Sharma’s. Nil’s birthday treat. “New rule from now on! Everyone will speak something about the birthday girl!” Emotional Shuchi!

Flash 34:

My birthday. Look at those cards. And that SMS book of chutkulas! And that smily (yellow bastard for some)! The recharge card! The ‘nigga’ poster! “Rajat… No re… YO Chachaji!!”

Flash 35:

Library. Studying. Teaching. Studying again. Observing a “couple” “studying” on a table across mine. Eating. Studying. Eating. Studying. Sleeping.

Flash 36:

C’not. “The semester is over! Six months… they went away in a jiffy!” See ya guys! Have fun!

(to be continued again)

"Year-end review"

2007-05-24T23:44:00.000+05:30

There are a number of things to write but a year-end review seems to be high on the cards considering that some of my friends have worked out their blog patterns on similar lines.

A year-end “review” it will be.

I don’t know why but I feel uneasy… I don’t know what it is. I don’t think its guilt. I don’t think its fear. I don’t know what it is but something makes me feel uneasy. Is it somehow related to events of the recent past? I don’t know. But yes, a year round review would have little justice if it is influenced by a few isolated events (were the events really isolated? I must not bother. My current thoughts have to become part of keystrokes of a different blog entry – if I ever write it that is…)

As a standard “year-end review” would start – A lot has happened in the past year!

Yes. Indeed. I see a cloud in front of my eyes. A cloud in which every moisture droplet seems to be a globule, a pearl that captures inside it a rare moment. Rare moments are never rare when you are in college. Everything is special… everything is new… everything is exciting.

I have flashes in front of my eyes… flashes of some scenes that might hold no significance, but they are there. I want to key those flashes down. I want to see them on writing so I would know that they are an entity. It’s a strange feeling. I feel I am going to do something big. I feel that a lot of times…

Flash 1:

Inside BITS. Beautiful sunny morning. Orientation Day 2. Inside the auditorium. Students all around. I see Nilanjana. An old friend who stays in Mumbai now. And she has friends all around her. And oh my God they are talkative! I never met girls who could talk so much! There’s just one in the group who doesn’t talk much – Mehak. And whose this? She talks as if she knows me for over a year now! Ah! Oindri… Aueendree… That’s when we decide on Oindrilla Chakraborty’s new name – Odie! Exchange of telephone numbers… new friends! New friends…

Flash 2:

IPC. The information processing centre. People come here to browse the net (essentially). I am here for a different purpose. I am with Shruti. I have come to teach her Engineering Graphics. I have come to do something else as well. I have had some emotional moments lately (wait for next flash and some more flashes!). I am discussing some of them. I have Gmail open on my computer screen and I am reading some past chats…

Flash 3:

Bodhisattawa Sadhu’s room. We are playing mind games.

Flash 4:

C’not at night. I am surrounded by a lot of people. I am with Aayush. My school senior is there as well. Sap. Varun Anand. I am asked to choose the best-looking girl sitting on the table.

Flash 5:

Oooo.. The flashes are coming too fast! Mini sky… aka UCO Redi. Some six bongs. Aayush. Pretty silent. Diptarka! Somnath. My orkut passions list. My link-up (not really a link-up…) Everything is bugging. “Call her up!”

Flash 6:

Sponz interaction. The merry-go-round. The games… the games!

Flash 7:

In my room. Dark. Very disturbed. Talking on the phone.

Flash 8:

ELAS freshers’ challenge. Lion over patthar! Vernon. ELAS.

Flash 9:

BITSian classes. Common time table with Odie. Odie’s roommate. “Lateree”. Sonam.

Flash 10:

With Vivek and Rachit to a different hostel. Ameya. Aravind Vijaysarthi. Periodic Table in 30 seconds. Videos of ESPN sports quiz. Some people on screen actually watching the show! A huge guy with Hyderabadi biscuits. All are invited! Rishabh. (I don’t think he’s a first-yearite is he?)

Flash 11:

EPC written test. Appy! Lots of biggies. “I have seen this guy somewhere before.” Shuchi… “Nilashis Nandi is cute!”

Flash 12:

In Rwitajit’s room. Seeing the photographs he’s clicked. Describing pictures. My perception. Helping him on Photoshop. I hear about CCTV.

Flash 13:

Backstage interaction. C’not. Psycho Joe. Odie. Ameya. Prachi. Mehak. Palvi. Twins! Riddhi. Giving a treat!

Flash 14:

B’stage interaction. “We make structures.” Shujoy. Free food. Ramya. “I really don’t want you to regret your choice later. Make an informed decision.”

Flash 15:

Rajagopal’s room. “You are in ELAS. I am not sure you can commit enough time to CCTV. Can you ensure me that your activities elsewhere wont cut down on the labour needed for CCTV?”

Flash 16:

In my room. 2 o’ clock in the morning. SMS to Ameya. Hello backstage… Are you sure?

(to be continued)

Change

2007-05-24T23:38:00.001+05:30

A rush of blood to the brain… not one, several of them… each dragging along with them a stream of thoughts, each so different but seemingly connected as well… So many things keep happening.... We are surrounded… surrounded by our own thoughts, our own emotions… It’s difficult to keep control… sometimes it is just unnecessary.

Let it go… let it flow… let it spurt out with full force… Logic is like pressure as one friend of mine pointed out… release it. Ease the pressure… let logic be forgotten to Oblivion

Random

2007-04-07T11:33:00.000+05:30

Maybe. A wonderful word defined to state yourself in situations when you do not actually want to state yourself. What is with the human mind? What is the mind anyway? Why is there always some kind of link in the brain for everything that one comes across? Why does any arbitrary sense trigger some kind of chain reaction in the mind that leads it to some conclusion in some extremely weird manner?

“Jamie, did you bunk school today?” Shit! Momma must have seen my books lying around when I was out in the playground. Oops! She must have noticed the empty fridge. Oh no! No readymade juices from now onwards. Momma’s going to be damn upset. She will probably complain to the principal and Jane will come to know about it. I will never be able to go out with her anymore. O my God! Life is going to be one hell of a place from now on…

Maybe. Yes, the word comes up yet again. Maybe all of this – the so called thought-process is somehow linked with the way neurotransmitters carry themselves in the harsh electric environment of our bodies. Or maybe I use maybe simply because I do not know how to state myself. Or maybe because I do not know if what I know or believe, is right or not. Or maybe because I just do not want to state myself. But then mine writing an article about it would make no sense. Or maybe it would because then I would be able to show that I am in fact trying to figure a way to explain as how brains interlink information and in a way save myself from an explanation to an actual working of things considering that I have actually figured it out all.

So… yup! Let us try and figure out what these arbitrary chemical signals actually are, if they are actually that arbitrary or if there is actually some kind of interlink. But before we can do that we must get ourselves acquainted with the tricky definition of arbitrary signals. At first go we would probably take them to be a certain set of signals that are completely unrelated to each other. The tricky part comes when we question the feasibility of the existence of such a set of signals. As in, at the end of the day the set will be decided upon the basis of a choice – a supposedly random choice – made by the brain itself which again relies on chemical messengers which have a fundamental characteristic of trying to interlink various kinds of information. So in what way are we justified to call our choice as random? We have evidently landed ourselves in a paradox wherein it is seemingly impossible to have an arbitrary set of chemical signals.

There can always be counter arguments as there are for everything that seems paradoxical. (In fact a paradox which seems to be so is much more paradoxical than a paradox that is.) We might argue that the set of signals so generated have been a result of environmental influence. This new approach would then rely on randomization arrived at as a result of the random events that surround a person. But then it is extremely easy to defeat this argument on the basis that events surrounding a person are rarely random. Or a better way to put it would be that a person decides his own environment in his own way. Now this likeness or lets say, affinity towards a particular kind of environment is again a result of the frame of mind of the person. This would again be a result of the way his thoughts have moulded him over his career as human being. So it must be pretty clear that the set of random thoughts link back to the chemical messengers and the problem of interlinked thoughts stares at us right again.

Till now we can safely assume that arbitrary thoughts as such have no existence. So in the absence of random thoughts we may suggest the brain to be a pool of thoughts – a pool where one thought is connected to the other in some way or the other. But there is a fundamental problem with this particular approach. In this way we can never arrive at a concrete explanation for why only a particular set of branch-thoughts are arrived at from one starting thought by some particular person – and that this set may actually differ from person to person makes it all the more complicated.

“His soul may rest in peace…” The neighbour thinks of the extended lawn space that he will have now. The cousin thinks of the extra property that he will acquire. The wife thinks of the best ways to learn cooking. The son thinks up more pastimes other than volleyball with Dad. Each one of them has a way to react to the situation – a way entirely different from everyone else.

From this point on, I feel that writing anything about interlinked thoughts would drive us at no better a conclusion than that we have already arrived at – a conclusion that all our thoughts are interlinked in some way or the other with priorities assigned at each step. Further, all of such interlinkings have been done by the brain itself quite beyond our knowledge using a method that we call Intelligence. It is a pity that the intelligence of the human brain is unable to explain the intelligence of the human brain. Does that mean we not smart enough to explain our own smartness? Or all of this smartness jazz is but an illusion – a false picture laid out to us by the brain to fool us into understanding that we are smart?

I don’t know. I feel dumb. I feel happy. I… I just don’t feel anything…

Let the New Year arrive!

2006-12-31T23:52:00.000+05:30

So as all of us move on to yet another year... here's wishing all a success in the race of life!

Perception

2006-12-27T23:41:00.000+05:30

One fine, “cold, dark” day

I could see the pain, the brutality, the helplessness. How could I ever forget that sight!
Pain, remorse, helplessness… the harsh brutality of life… as if watching from above with half-closed eyes and giving you that mocking sneer that rips your nerves apart… a void that sucks you into it, destroying whatever is left of you… I could see that in those eyes.
The cobbler continued to work, his tired hands hardly being able to lift a strip of leather. He had painful blisters all over them and the only way to avoid them was well… to forget about them. The moaning winds scathed his unclothed-self as if mocking at his poverty with a sadistic pleasure. The sunlight penetrated his vision and the only protection must have been the thick, long, matted grey hair, probably dirty enough to be confused with a duster. But he kept on working his hands rubbing hard on the brush trying to make the shoe bright! Oh, what a mockery! He seemed be to be looking at the stones all the time – probably comparing it to the stony reactions of all his appeals to God. So much pain, so much brutality! You couldn’t see him work… the way he would cut strips of leather, as if he were cutting his own fingers… the way he would dip his fingers in the gooey gum and spread it all over his newly cut leather, as if he was trying to embalm his own body… but nothing seemed to work. The emptiness, the cruelty of life stared point-blankly on him and seemed to do nothing but laugh…

Another fine, “cold, dark” day

Everything seemed so… well… nice! How could I ever forget that sight! Hard work, perspiration and hope… they were all there… a life blessed by God. A feeling of positivism… thoughtfulness… a look-forward approach to life!
The cobbler continued to work, his hands always on the job regardless of how tired they were. There were blisters all over but that acted more as a fuel re-energizing the confidence in this person… as if giving him proof that he was working hard to survive… a feeling of self sufficiency was inherently possessed by his entire soul. The winds kissed his body and thumped his back as if acknowledging his efforts and driving him to work harder! The sunlight gleamed in his eyes and he would continue to try and give a similar gleam to his shoes so that he could see himself in them! He seemed to be looking at the stones all the time… they seemed to awaken an inner strength in him… power to shun the world! There was so much hope in his eyes! You could see him work… the way he would cut strips of leather, as if he was trying to shape the course of his own life… the way he would dip his fingers in the gum and spread it all over his newly cut leather, as if embalming his body with holy nectar! There was not a sight which could be more beautiful that this… everything seemed just perfect. Life seemed to look at him with care, blessing him…

My Hobby

2006-12-24T02:01:00.000+05:30

Finally!! A post after a long time... This is a story I wrote sometime back. Read through...
_________________________________________

Let’s see… Alright – Hobbies! I believe that’s the word to start with.

People have so many strange hobbies, but I believe I have the weirdest. I simply love observing people…

My mother is a working woman. She works as an accountant at the State Bank. I being ‘small’ (that’s what she considers me to be – I am seven years old by the way), she always leaves me at the school-crèche on the way to her bank. Now this is what our daily morning routine is like – we get up at around six, have a bath and everything else and then leave for the bus stop by around quarter to seven. We wait at the bus stop for around ten to fifteen minutes till the bus to Mum’s bank arrives. I don’t know if you have guessed already but it is at the bus stop only that I start my games.

This reminds me so very well of that man in those black pants and checked shirt, with tangled hair and shoes which were just so dirty! He was so different from all the others who were standing over there at the bus stop. For one, he was quite grimy and since Mum always tells me to stay away from dirty people I took my position at the opposite end of the bus stop. He looked pretty sad to me. He just kept standing, staring hard at the sky – probably lost in his thoughts. The buses came in and went by but he seemed the least interested in getting up on any. He wasn’t even looking at them. Then something strange happened – he smiled, gave a quiet chuckle and then suddenly tears started to trickle down his cheeks. He then took out a bowl from his pocket and walked up to the person standing near him. I don’t really know what happened after that as Mum’s bus had arrived…

Things get much more exciting in the bus you know! Firstly, there are so many people around. Then you always have the option to look out of the window. It’s real fun I tell you.

The best way to enjoy the long travel is by observing the bus conductor at work. They keep changing and thus there is always something new to see. I am however, often reminded of this person who would approach the passengers, give a tap on their shoulders, collect the fares, return the change and then rub his hands on a handkerchief before continuing. Then there was this lady conductor one day. She was quite beautiful you know. What made her so very interesting for me was the manner in which she could talk to various people. She would often start to gossip with the passengers, crack a joke or two and give a long, loud laugh. But then she would often look outside and I could see her smile vanish and the glitter of her eyes somewhat gone. I really don’t know what it was that bothered her so much. She seemed so nice otherwise.

Now the way to Mum’s office is quite long. It takes us almost forty five minutes on any usual day. The busses remain pretty vacant for quite some time. Most of the passengers complete their morning sleep in the bus. Some of them have their breakfast and some keep themselves busy with the newspaper or by just looking outside.

We pass some very interesting places on the way. There are these lovely bungalows with grassy lawns, with huge iron fences around. I don’t know what scares these people so much! Then there are those huge governmental building complexes. They have these big names which make just no sense. Their white walls covered mostly with mono-colour posters and dusty window panes resemble in many ways the mood of the people one can see entering the place. They always seem to be in a world of their own – confused, that’s what I call them.

We also pass a few public gardens, most of them absolutely empty. People just can’t rid themselves of their sleep these days I believe – not even to enjoy the pleasures of a morning walk. Snoring fools, that’s what they are!

The bus passes a number of shops along the way. I especially wait for the tea stalls. They are so interesting! Once, our bus had a tyre puncture right in front of a tea stall. The stall had a big stove with a large kettle placed on it. There was a big, fat man in his underclothing, pouring stuff inside the kettle. Then there was a bleak woman who stood behind him and handed him various stuff from their larder I believe. There were a few seats randomly placed in front of the shop, presently occupied by a very old gentleman and a small kid, most probably his grandchild. The old man would occasionally sip tea from a porcelain mug. He would then wear his glasses and look around, observing often the trees and sometimes our bus. The kid sat quietly beside him, a biscuit in hand. He would often look at his biscuit and smile; he would then blush and look at the shopkeeper. I don’t know what was wrong with him but he was certainly acting in a strange manner.

School is easily the most boring place to be in. I share the school crèche in the mornings with a few other boys and girls who also have working parents. They are my best friends and I often discuss my thoughts with them. I really enjoy this part of the day very much. Eileen is my best friend. She is always ready to listen to my interesting stories, always ready to discuss. One day I was telling her about the man I once saw at the bus-stop.

“You know Eileen; he was a very different kind of person. You should have seen him. He seemed so very confused – smiling and then suddenly crying. And that bowl? I wonder what that was for…”

“I think I know what you are talking about”, she replied. She was eight and the extra year probably made her more experienced. “I think he was a ‘beggar’. Poor people - that’s what Mom told me when we saw someone like him on the street one day. Mom told me to stay away from such people…”

School starts at nine. Our class teacher comes into the class at about a quarter past nine. She is always fabulously dressed. She has this long and black hair with curls that keeps her hand busy all the time. Whenever she is not teaching us, she keeps smiling and staring at some odd location of our classroom. I don’t know what’s wrong with certain people – they just love to continuously stare at something or the other. So dumb!

Mum always waits outside for me after the school hours are over. We then go to her bank and have our lunch together in the canteen. It’s then that pretty interesting things happen. I am supposed to wait at the canteen until Mum’s work is done. I am also free to roam around.

There’s something I have noticed about the people who come to visit the bank. They always seem so tensed to me. They have this peculiar manner of walking on their toes, hands often full with bags of several kinds and minds equally clouded I believe! There is often a row between the bank officials and these visitors. Now these are interesting fights – it’s always the visitor who does all the shouting while the official always tries to calm him down. Interestingly, I have often noticed the officials swear and sometimes pull at their hair after the matter is over and the visitor gone! I wonder how they can act so strangely…

I have often observed my Mum at work. She is always surrounded with piles of paper. She is a hard-working lady I must tell you. She always keeps herself busy, both at office and at home. She has a charming personality. She has this unique ability to convince anyone – (I have had personal experience in this by the way!). She has other special powers. She always seems to know what I want or what I am expecting from her. Eileen tells me that all mothers have the same kind of powers. Superior beings, huh!

She’s normally always in a jolly mood. We often crack jokes at dinner time and watch some television together before retiring to bed. She often tells me weird stories and then goes away after she thinks I have started sleeping. The day ends just over there.

Something different happened a week ago. I just didn’t feel like sleeping after Mum had gone to her bedroom. I got up from bed and started for her bedroom, but I stopped at the door. I saw her sobbing. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She seemed absolutely broken. She was holding a photograph in her hand. I knew who was in that picture. He was my Dad. Mum had told me once that he worked in the air force. He had suddenly disappeared when I was about six months old and he never returned. Was it a longer version of the hide and seek game we play at school? If it was, I would rather he returned fast. He had no business making my Mum cry. Anyways, I probably don’t understand the entire situation I believe.

I did not feel very good after this you know. My mind was filled with questions. Why do people behave in such a strange manner? What is it that twists their thoughts so very often? How can they manage to be happy at one moment and become instantly sad at the next? I was instantly reminded of the lady conductor. What was it that made her look so sad at times? Eileen told me that she was depressed. I don’t know what that means anyway. Also, what has made people so very busy these days? They seem to have no time to take a stroll in the garden or to sit and have a cup of tea. It’s only the oldies and kids like us who seem to have all the time in the world. Eileen tells me people work extra these days just to keep themselves involved and think less. Weird idea I say! Why would you want to think less anyway?

I often think of the people I have come across. I try and analyse their behaviour. I am unable to do so most of the times. People have a strange way of thinking. I probably know very little. Eileen helps me sometimes but even she gets confused most of the time. I am then reminded of my mother telling me that I am just seven years old! I wonder when I can become big enough to understand the mysteries that this hobby of mine has laid in front of me. I wonder if Dad will ever return…

My Hobby (continued)

2006-12-24T01:53:00.000+05:30

This is the second part of the story...

________________________________________

Mum and I were going to go to Maria’s house in the morning! Wow, it had been ages…
“Okay, Ravi. If you decide to be a good boy tonight we will go to meet Maria tomorrow… and you can stay there the entire day!”
Mum’s eyes were still watery but she was so much more cheerful. Wow, she would take me to Maria! It would be so enjoyable!
I had discussed so much about Maria with Eileen. We had always enjoyed talking about people and this was the best topic we could think of…

“Hey Eileen… Isn’t it so quiet out there? Everyone seems to be concentrating hard. They always have their eyes closed. You must have seen them.”
“Oh yes, of course I have! But I think you missed a lot. I think you should go there once again… and look more carefully this time.”

I thought about it the entire night. I could vaguely remember the last time we had been to see Maria. She looked so beautiful on those glass walls of that big building. I think they called it the Church. It had been ages since we had been to that place. It was so huge! They had these huge yellow walls rising up and then ending in a cone. The walls were beautifully ornate. They reminded me of the gardens except that everything was yellow out here… the leaves, the fruits and even some people! Then as we entered we saw a huge hall. It was filled with rows of chairs. Right in front of us was a podium where people would go one by one and bow before a big glass panel.
It was this glass panel that attracted me the most! It had a lot of painted patterns on it that my Mum told me was Maria… well, she indeed was beautiful…

Visiting Maria had always been fun, not only to see those patterns but also to look at people and see what they were doing. It was just so very different from any other place…

“Get up or we will be late… wake up!”

The house seemed so much larger than I had imagined seeing last time! People were entering the place in huge numbers. Mum said we had to buy some flowers before we could enter and so we went towards the flower shop…

“How much is this bouquet for?” A young man probably twenty-five was buying a bouquet of yellow roses from the shopkeeper. He looked pretty dynamic – as if there was something that made him hurry. His constant shaking of his hands really amused me!

“Sir, I will give it to you for a special price! Five dollars…” The shopkeeper was a small man. He had a huge smile on his face that seemed to spread over his entire face! It was a different matter that he did look very weak and those wrinkles around his eyes made him look very old.

“Give it for four if you want to”, the young man said firmly.

“But… okay sir. It’s all yours…”
Mum took a small bouquet of dahlias and then we entered the Church. We went to one of those long rows of seats at the back and sat down quietly. Everyone was looking in front towards a pulpit right in front of those glasses, as if expecting something to happen. This went on for the next ten minutes. People kept entering and secured their places…

A family entered. The father walked ahead – flowers in hand. The mother followed with a child on either side. She was looking down and had her eyes half-closed. The kids were admiring the interiors of the building with wide open eyes and giggling as they followed their father. Then an old man entered. He was stooping down as he walked past. He was extremely weak. His clothes were very dirty and his face was wrinkled. He was holding a white rose in his hand and he was looking at it through gleaming eyes! He seemed very happy to me – he seemed to be someone who had achieved something.

Now this was the interesting part I guess. There was this lady who had just entered the hall. She was dressed in pure white, holding a big purse in one hand and a candle in the other. She had an odd air around her. She walked in big strides right towards the pulpit and kept the candle on the table. She then knelt down and folded her hands. Everyone seemed to be looking at her. She stayed like that for the next five minutes. Then she got up and went to sit in a stool in front. She suddenly looked so different to me. That big smile of hers had suddenly vanished. She looked so much more sober now! What had happened when she knelt? Had Maria told her something? Could she speak? I was reminded of Eileen – “… you should go there once again… and look more carefully this time…”

This really was much stranger a place than I had imagined before. Suddenly everyone seemed to focus their attention on a person who had just walked to the pulpit.

“Look Ravi, he is the Father. Listen carefully to what he says…”

“We have assembled this morning to submit ourselves to God. We have come here to rid ourselves of our worries and think about Him. We have come here to wash ourselves of our sins that we have collected through our immoral acts. We have come here to remember Him who sacrificed His life to purify ours. Let us bow our heads and think about Him and pray to Him that He may continue to walk with us on the sands of time…”

I looked around. Everyone suddenly bowed there heads down, even Mum. The Church suddenly looked so different. It suddenly became so quiet. The man on the pulpit was still looking in front. He was holding a cross in one hand and seemed to be reading something from a book that was kept in front of him. I was instantly reminded of our English class! Everyone in our class was so quiet during Mr. Samuel’s presence. He was such a strict teacher. Everyone feared him so much! The moment he would leave the class everyone would heave a sigh of relief and life would return back to normal…

One by one the people opened their eyes. They walked up to the pulpit and laid their bouquets over there. They bowed before the glass walls and then went towards the exit.

“Come on Ravi. We have to move now. Everyone’s leaving. The mass is over…”

We moved out of the Church as well. Oh my God! Everything seemed so startlingly different over here! Everyone seemed in so much hurry!

I remembered Eileen again – “… Time is of the essence. People need to work in order to live! You can’t be sitting all day imagining stuff…”

You know what; I was beginning to feel that there was something that I was missing somewhere. It seemed clear to me that once you grew big there would always be something that would keep bothering you. Everyone seemed to be doing everything, yet I felt that there was something about the things being “done” that made them look odd…

“People often feel the obligation to do certain things…” Eileen had said.

“What is ‘obli..g..’?”

“Obligation, Ravi. People are often forced to do things to satisfy themselves even when the real purpose of having done that has been lost…”

Eileen had begun to say quite complicated things these days. However it was always fun to talk to her. Maybe life was not as easy as I had thought it was. Maybe it was necessary to make some things complicated in order to make sense out of them. It was probably necessary to delve into complicated acts just to make your life a bit more “purposeful”. I suddenly felt so small – as if I still needed to know a lot. There was so much I couldn’t explain. Come to think of it – I still couldn’t explain my mother’s tears over my Dad’s photograph…

Making Sense Again...

2006-07-14T00:04:00.000+05:30

I resume blogging after a long gap with a poem that I had written quite sometime ago.

Here it goes...

“There it goes…
A light never to return;
Here comes Darkness,
Just to say that
‘I’m here!’

But hark! What?
Here it comes…
Yes, yes!
Pristine and clear,
Calm and dear…”

Never to come,
Never to go;
Never to leave,
Never to stay,
“Eternal” bliss, even so!

An illusion,
Allusion nevertheless –
To life and “troubles”;
Troubles of “man”,
Troubles of “Man”;
Light & Eternal “bliss”…

What? Questions the poor sap,
Knowledge &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp; Power;
Big words they say.
Darkness and Light,
“Bigger” than humanity…

When does it come?
And when does it go?
What if anything,
“Shows the way…”
Or “blinds humanity…”?

What? May I know…?
_________________________________________________________
Post your comments...

Yesterday (Not the Beatles One!)

2006-05-24T10:31:00.000+05:30

This happened yesterday.

I had gone to school to get a "Review Form" attested by the Principal of our school. Just for the sake of the convenience of a few fellow ignorant readers – well, a review form is a device which students attempt to use to ‘try’ and get their answer scripts rechecked – a method to express dissent, a tool to try and bring to justice and correct what is bound to be wrong. For the Council, on the other hand, it serves as a cool means to make some nice money – for seldom anything happens to such pleas…

Anyway, my current post does not concern any such dubious papers such as “Review” forms. On the other hand it deals with yet another episode on my ‘quest’ to achieve what the description of this Blog expounds.

Quite a few of us had reached school yesterday. (Don’t worry – I wasn’t the lone victim around). We would have left quite early having fulfilled our purpose had it not been for the excellent management of the office staff who gave us concrete evidence of the fact that after all we are residents of Calcutta. My post doesn’t concern them.

When I was returning from school along with a friend – Rohit Roy (quite an eccentric character in himself) I was crossing an over bridge when a man suddenly came running after me. He had some papers in hand and this is what he said –

“Bhaiya, Sai Baba aapke raksha karega. Mujhe hospital jana hai par mere paas paisa nahi hai. Emergency hai! Kya aap bhaade ka paisa de sakte hain? Sai Baba aapko dekhega…”
(Brother, God will look after you. I have to go to the hospital but I have no money. It’s an emergency. Can you please give me some money for the bus fare? God will look after you…)

I was astonished. He looked a genuine case to me. At least that is what the current state of my mind made me believe. I asked – “Kitna?” (How much?) and gave him a ten rupee note and walked away…

Finally Over...

2006-05-22T15:27:00.000+05:30

Hi Blog,

Yes its finally over - done with - finished... The examinations have finally ended and the time has begun to think and reflect on what has happened in the past two years.The last two years have had a very dramatic effect - so much so I find myself to be a completely transformed individual. All of it can't possibly be covered in just one post and so people inclined to read further probably will need to wait a bit...

Exams over - the wait begins... Or should I say the Wait over and exams begin... Both soundequally right - its just how you want to look at it. Its difficult to describe the current state of my mental faculty - it sort of... confused... wondering... excited... dull... angry... all at the same time. It is amazing how the brain handles all of this simultaneously (don't worry I won't tax you by going into long discussions on mental philosophy..)

The brain-working part is certainly alluding me at the moment as I have been reading this ebook on Artificial Neural Networks - its a great way to do amazing stuff in your programs. Its a bit complicated and might take some time to sink into my head...

As for the other stuff I have been doing now - reading a book on how to make a Hexapod Walker (its a robot I plan to make in the coming vacations and I will continue posting my developments on this blog...), playing Unreal Tournament (man its a bloody game), listening to the theme music of Matrix AND speculating my future... That makes it a lot of things to do doesn't it?

Signing off for the moment...

Project Speech Recognition

2006-04-23T22:50:00.000+05:30

I was just thinking of what to write and thought – why not talk??
Here’s an excerpt of what my speech recognition technology made out of what I was trying to say –

I often thought to, That life is not as easy as it were shipped that there is more toward we think there’s that extraterrestrials tool exist in the man
Photo from happens is that you think too much until lightly whatever does have been as something that was bound to if you keep on listening and follow what others believe total you may have some amount of confidence and hope for the future versions of your life, R. L’s R. L’s holidays
We do and has ever there is at different distinction between half and as for example if you look at that spans the it is attached but find that there’s nothing at all The Anderson a shamthat the Andersons would just that. Teens he is a saying
That you leave yourself and proceed for the Willapa of the amazing consequences of freedom is extremely more than enough to you can keep on speaking under the until your dad or the mall might turn out to be the villain of your life first of being.
And that you may think that U.S. market is falling apart but what the widow they were alreadyto this is the most amazing software that you could ever make easier and and even knowledgeable that’s to ANS tool plans it’s not too it’s now isn’t about tofool its were some of winning some are winning but somebody knows and many knows perfectly well that they have to lose and in the ballgame quit the job and become among those persons with the life of that has a massive debt. In turn if you do not fulfill your were really desires desires that could kill you, that That could be done via moneythat’s too many enamored in this takes my idea the code

So what do you think?

Hail Kal Baisakhi!

2006-04-21T00:23:00.000+05:30

Spring! One of the most awaited seasons! Spring in Kolkata! One of the most amazing seasons!

Even as the weatherman predicted heavy showers for Kolkata today I made myself sure that it would be the driest day of my life. After all, who could be more consistent that the faithful "Weather Man"!

Anyway, c'mon friends - Let's 'beckon the Gods' - Indra, Dhanush, Vishnu, Shi.. any will do.I just want some rain in the next few days..

Hail Kal Baisakhi!

Welcome

2006-04-20T00:09:00.000+05:30

Hello,

So as I make my entry into the world of blogging may I have the courage to ask you to cope with what might soon appear on these pages. The template I chose for my blogspace was called 'Scribe'. It does give a person ideas about what this is going to be all about. I know that I am not making much sense. But then I never really did make any sense whatsoever!! It is in the senselessness that lies the crux of the truth, the valhalla of all wonders and the true bliss of existence. It is the very essence of senselessness that makes the world such a sensible place to live in.....

Bye,
Rajat